“I had a very bad temper. I took it out on her and I took it out on the girls. It got bad enough that we separated three times over a ten year period. It was at the point that divorce papers were drawn up and all we had to do was sign. Fortunately, we never did…I don’t know why.” The 56-year-old man shook his head recalling the darkest time of his life as his marriage vows “for better or for worse” were tested to the limit.
Forty years earlier, Tony Banfield, a freshman, and Katia Donowho, a sophomore, met at Friendswood High School. Tony chuckled as he explained that attending church with her family was a requirement for dating their daughter. Tony placed his hand on the back of Katia’s chair and smiled at her. After looking at each other a moment they laughed.
Until that point Tony had only a few “faint memories” of being at a Sunday School class at a Presbyterian church in Webster. Tony added, “By the time I was six years old my Sundays freed up as much as my Saturdays! Until I met this girl that I was sweet on in high school, I hadn’t stepped foot in a church unless it was for funerals or weddings.” Tony shared that during his junior year he was saved and was baptized after hearing the Gospel at Katia’s church. “I wish I could say that from my senior year in high school until now I have served Jesus and walked with Him always…but I can’t. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen that way for me.”
Katia who was originally born in Bolivia, moved to Alvin, Texas with her mom when she was three years old. She smiled as she explained,“There was no choice in my family. We went to church every Sunday morning and Sunday night and we were always really involved. I was saved when I was nine years old but I went back and forth in my relationship with the Lord. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I really started serving Him.”
Tony and Katia married in 1979 and after graduation moved to Stillwater, Oklahoma where Tony attended Oklahoma State University and Katia worked full-time. By the time they returned to Friendswood in 1984 their first two daughters, Katiana and Monica, were born. Tony joined the family business, a real estate development and management company, which was started in 1968 by his father. Their third and youngest daughter, Ashlei, was born the following year.
After they had attended a church in Alvin for five years, their marriage changed for the worse. Tony stated, “Unfortunately, I put my trust in man. My focus was not on Jesus. Instead, it was on the leadership of this church. I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming but my trust was betrayed.” He glanced at his wife and then said matter-of-factly, “I came home and said to Katia, ‘I am done. If this is what Christianity is then I am out!’” Katia nodded her head as she recalled the memory of how Tony, then 28 years old, went on to angrily vow that he would never have anything to do with organized church or with God. For several years Katia continued to take their girls to church without Tony but then, she too, eventually stopped.
During the next ten years, the Banfields’ marriage deteriorated and as a result they went through periods of separation. The third time was in 1998 and Katia, then 38 years old, left Tony, their girls, as well as a new home they had just built with all new furniture and moved to Houston. Katia explained, “I was done. That’s how desperate I was to escape him. I was just so exhausted. I was finished with him.”
With his wife gone, Tony hit rock bottom. Not long after she left, he found himself on his knees in their bathroom wondering why she would leave? It was then that he realized that it was not God’s fault that his marriage was falling apart or that the church leadership had failed him all those years ago. “I found myself broken before God. I realized I wasn’t mad at Him anymore, though I still was not going to step foot in a church at that point.” He smiled as he continued, “Now I don’t recommend making deals with God but I said aloud on my knees on the bathroom floor: ‘God, I want to make a deal! If you bring her back to me….” Tony paused for a moment as he became emotional, then continued,“If you bring her back to me I will serve You for the rest of my life.” He looked up with tears in his blue eyes and a large smile on his face and stated, “He did and I have been from that day on.”
Katia patted his arm and then added, “When he started acting different it made me mad because he said he was changed like he had told me many times before. We had tried to change ourselves in the past but that never worked.” Another thing that made her angry was the fact that he began seeing HER counselor after ten years of refusing to go. She explained, “It was very hard for me because it was just too good to be true that he was going to be different this time. Fortunately, our counselor was a very smart man and he convinced us to come in together for the sake of our children.” The counselor then asked them to commit to marriage counseling every week for a year, and they did.
Soon the couple had reconciled and Katia returned home, but they still had a long way to go. She shared,“There was a lot of mistrust and so much hurt that we had to deal with. Our girls were in high school and junior high at that time. We had them come with us to a counseling session and we apologized to them for putting them through everything. It was a really good cleansing time.”
Katia’s mother, Nena Powell, Sagemont member since 2001 along with her husband, Roy, had been praying that her daughter and son-in-law would resolve their issues. She invited the reunited couple to attend Sagemont Church with her. They chuckled as Katia recalled, “We came but sat in the balcony because we didn’t want to talk to anyone. That might sound bad but it was good because we literally wouldn’t have come back if we had been approached. Little by little with the Word of God that was being preached and taught from the pulpit we started getting healed.”
Tony chuckled as he recalled, “We were Back-Row Baptists and as soon as Bro. John said 'Amen' we were out the door! It took me time to get back in organized church.” So a few years later when he suggested they attend Sunday School, Katia was shocked. They ended up attending the Hearts for Him Sunday School Class taught by John Wills, former Education and Family Minister, and Mike Schumacher, Associate Pastor and Director of Counseling.
The Banfields give credit to the Lord for completely restoring their marriage and making it better and stronger than before. They are no longer Back-Row Baptists but are now, almost twenty years later, very active members at Sagemont. Katia serves in the Journey Through the Scriptures iCONNECT class taught by Chuck Schneider, Executive Pastor, and Stuart Rothberg, Teaching Pastor, which they both faithfully attend each Sunday morning. She also met with people who were recently baptized to help get them get plugged into the Starting Point iCONNECT class. Tony has been a deacon for the past eight years. He also serves on the ERT team and has served on the Personnel Team for several years. They love going on Sagemont Mission trips, their favorites being trips to Israel. Their middle daughter, Monica Drew, is a member at Sagemont, along with her husband, Dustin, and their four children. Monica co-leads Sagemont’s Dance Ministry.
Tony admits that there are always going to be differences and things that come up in their marriage as well as issues at church, but he is careful to keep his focus on Jesus at all times. He shared, “The only way you can do that is stay in His Word. You have to get on your knees every single day without fail.”
One way Katia works on their marriage is through doing the Bible-based study, The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective by Martha Peace. She chuckled as she shared, “Just reading that title the first time was exhausting! I remember thinking, ‘What more do I have to do?’ Through the study I learned that my attitude changed when I started doing it for the Lord. I learned that when you are married, your number one ministry is your husband. You have to ask yourself, ‘How’s that ministry doing?’ When that was presented to me with scriptures, I realized I was doing horribly.” Katia has completed this particular study four times and is making plans to work through it again.
Katia went on to explain that, as a result of the healing of her marriage, the Lord has used her to help other women who are going through a hard time in their marriages. “I tell them, ‘It isn’t over until it’s over and even then it isn’t over.’ I don’t direct them to a specific scripture only about marriage or a book about marriage. I just direct them to Jesus Christ. Fall in love with Him and His Word and it will all pan out. I can’t guarantee that their marriages will work out but I can guarantee them that they will have the peace to walk through whatever they are about to walk through.”
As she finished sharing, Tony reached over and held Katia’s hand and squeezed it encouragingly and he stated, “I am so blessed that the beautiful girl who took me to church in high school….” He became emotional and paused. She smiled sweetly at him as he concluded, “I am still sweet on her 37 years later. I thank God for her every…single….day!”